A Counts Duty
Assembling the Pieces of Me
Jamilla Counts, 2020
One cold winter night in November of 2008, an overwhelming sense of loss enveloped me and threatened to take up permanent residence. Depression had become a constant companion. Although it was very real for me, it was invisible to others because I was good at hiding it, or so I thought. Every day, I struggled to get up and face the day. It had been this way for as long as I could remember, but finally, the pain would no longer be ignored. I missed my mother. I longed for her. I wondered what she’d be like today if she’d lived. Sitting in a two-bedroom apartment in Arkansas, I felt so far from home. As one dreamless night crept into the next, my mind raced with so many unanswered questions. The one that kept recurring was this:“Who WAS my mother and father?” “A Counts Duty” is my way of releasing the pain of abuse, abandonment, and denial that bound me for so many years. Many may ask, “Why now?” My response is this, “I didn’t realize there was a statute of limitations on my life’s calling.”As I knock boldly on the door of freedom of speech, I assert that the story is true and that the people mentioned and the conversations recounted are very much real. The pages in this book are a culmination of ten years of my life. Initially, I had no intention of publishing my findings. Well, since then, I’ve been struck by lightning, and I can no longer sit still. This is the year depression, anxiety, and invisibility are replaced with courage, closure, and acknowledgment. Duty calls!
